I'm sure most all of you do not know the story behind Maddox, our youngest son. In December 2012 we made the decision, after much discussion and prayer, that we were ready to add a third edition to our family.
I met with my doctor, who advised I have laparoscopy surgery for my endometriosis prior to trying. Later that December I had the surgery and we were good to go! We took the "if it happens it happens" approach but didn't get too obsessive at first. Months and months went by and still no pregnancy. Eventually, my doctor advised another surgery. Endometriosis grows back after 6 months. This is when I really started to obsess.
Hundreds and hundreds of pins were pinned to my secret "baby boards" on Pinterest and my closet started filling up with baby clothes. Once I realized it just wasn't happening I made a call to my doctor, who put me on the lowest dose of Clomid. Each month my dosages increased until I hit the max with no results of ovulation coming back on my blood work. I took a few months off of the pills. They take a toll on your body and mind! Letrozole was the next drug of choice. Again, we started at the lowest dose, and hit the max without ovulation. After 14 rounds of fertility medication and 2 surgeries, I was off to see the fertility specialist.
In the middle of all of this I still felt like it was going to happen. We were going to have a baby by the end of it. I broke down multiple times. Every single month was heartache. You have hope every month that "this is it!" Then it's shot down. It's like mourning a child you haven't met yet, month after month after month. It's hard to make others understand that pain, so you just keep smiling and say "when it's meant to be it will happen."
I soon made an appointment with the specialist and cancelled it...twice. I wasn't sure if it was what God wanted me to do. I eventually went "just to see what they say." I was told that if I wanted to have another child I would have to be very aggressive, IVF being my best choice. All I could think about was the money! We have two children. Two beautiful healthy children! And IVF can be close to $20,000. Now I know what you must be thinking, she has 2 children, what's her problem? My heart breaks for those who can't have any children at all, it truly does. And I 110% realize how blessed I am to have my precious boys, but secondary infertility is also real and it is painful!
I decided to just give up at that point. We had hit a dead end...it was over. And I was ok...or so I told myself. One day I decided to call my insurance company out of curiosity to see what they cover on IVF. I was shocked at what I heard...100%!! This couldn't be right! I called my fertility specialist who said "that can't be right, no one covers 100% of IVF." She stated she would call them. Shortly after she called me back in shock. They told her the same thing! This had to be from God right?
I made an appointment to have some tests ran and they wanted my husband to come along. After having my tests done, and awaiting my husbands, we were good to go! I was so excited, but hesitant at the same time. Was this the right thing to do? A few days later, I was sitting at work when I got a phone call from the nurse at the office. My husbands results were back...and not good. I was told we could still do the IVF but it would have to be much more invasive. I hung up the phone and cried. It felt like a dagger in my heart. We prayed and prayed about it.
The following Sunday, my husbands grandfather (our pastor) preached a message on "having faith." All I could think was "Ashley, are you really having faith?" I talked to my husband that evening and he felt the same way. We decided to place it in Gods hands and see what happens. A feeling of peace came over me for the first time in over 2 years of trying. I just knew it was going to happen!
Months went by, still nothing. Pregnancy announcement after pregnancy announcement flooded my newsfeed! At one point I hit an all time low. I cried for a few days straight. I asked God, why not me Lord? Why not me? I couldn't understand this.
Then He spoke through one of my devotionals. John 21:22 stopped me in my tracks, "what's that to you, you follow Me." How perfect! I follow a risen Savior. One who can do anything at all. And if He wanted me to have another baby, I would! He is so good! I felt so peaceful and my heart felt whole again. I even felt more at peace about the thought of never having another baby. He blessed my husband and I so much with our precious boys already. And maybe we already have our perfect family, and have the whole time!
Throughout all of this I became a professional pregnancy test taker...if that's even a thing? Each month I would buy pregnancy tests, maybe out of habit? I'm not real sure, but I literally bought them every month. I got to the point I would throw it in the trash before even reading the results.
Well, on November 4th I got the shock of a lifetime. I was at home and something told me to look in the trash can at the test I threw away the night before. I felt crazy but I did it. Not really expecting anything different. But...there it was...A positive pregnancy test! This can't be real!!! After 34 months of trying...it happened with NO medical intervention! I could not believe it! God DOES perform miracles!
I cherish my three blessings more than anything in the world! My tiniest blessing is a constant reminder of the miracle that we were so preciously given. Nothing in this world is bigger than God! NOTHING! He is bigger than infertility, health problems, financial problems, relationship problems...or anything else that could be troubling you! Put it in His hands...and trust Him ❤️
